i quit vaping and re-launched my girl blog

✨surprise✨ girl blog is back. honestly, i can’t even deny this - a psychic told me to start writing again, so here i am. i don’t have a clear intention for the girl blog but maybe it’ll figure itself out as we go.

i was back in new york after thanksgiving, obviously spending 4.5 hours in a dive bar. which typically means negronis and nicotine. since i recently quit vaping, being in that enviornment was testing my bad habit voice in my head. she wants me to get back on the wagon so bad. so i caved after 4 weeks and hit someone else’s, but i don’t buy them anymore so at least that’s step 1.

the morning after, i was sitting in the sauna like, wait why do i keep doing things that i know are bad for me?

i think it’s a combination of things. maybe it’s literally just my brain chemistry or the thrill or maybe it’s just that a head rush and a mezcal negroni hits so mf-ing hard.

i was also thinking about why did i even start vaping? at first, it was an occasional social thing but it’s a slippery slope because you suddenly black back in at a bedford ave bodega on a wednesday night waiting for some man to hand you a strawberry kiwi elf bar. classic.

it’s funny because i realized the other time i hear the bad habit voice in my head is when i’ve been tangled in a situationship that i keep going back to until it just starts to become dumb, pointless and a waste of energy.

& isn’t that literally the definition of insanity? doing the same thing repeatedly while expecting a different outcome.

there’s a level of comfort with sticking with the same bad habit. i heard somewhere (tiktok) that humans crave predictability because we love knowing how things will turn out.

but the gotcha is that when you’re settling for the same experience that you know will give you that shitty feeling, like the stomach-churning combo of vape, campari and french fries at the bar then that’s just it. you’re settling.

the craziest thing is that you can choose not to feel that way. it’s the simplest solution to the hardest action: just choose differently.

four weeks into my vape-quitting journey, i think the route is quitting both vaping and toxic boys cold turkey.

maybe if i can quit both those habits, then i can quit anything and if i can quit anything then maybe i can do ✨anything✨

which i think is actually a scarier thought because then the potential of what is on the other side of quitting seems vast. the options be endless. exciting but anxiety-inducing.

ok ttyl. maybe this will help another ex-vape girly trying to be a baddie + quit

+++

also i saw this candle today and lol-ed but simultaneously felt attacked.